Daily Fitbit stats
My fitbit #fitstats for 1/15/2012: 12,002 steps and 5.6 miles traveled. http://www.fitbit.com/user/22Q7YC
So Not the Girlie Girl
I always was the type of kid who would rather be out in the woods, climbing trees or fishing. That hasn’t changed much as an adult. I am still as much of a tomboy now, as I was then. My daily attire consists of jeans, t-shirt and either my Birkenstocks or sneakers, depending on the weather. I love tie dye, but opt for the more natural tones now a days. I don’t wear makeup, except on very rare occasions and, while I do have jewelry, I don’t typically wear it. If it isn’t comfortable, you won’t catch me wearing it. No heels here for me (and being 6 feet tall already, no extra height is necessary.)
Yesterday, the tomboy nature came out in a big way. Hubs and I were planning on going out to dinner and then going to do a little fishing. Hubs was a little surprised when I opted to totally forgo the dinner part and just go fishing. See, he has a bit if a trick stomach and you can never tell what will set it off and then necessitate the need to be near a bathroom. Dinner or fishing? I REALLY wanted to go fishing and, if we had to cut the evening short, I would have been pretty upset.
So fishing we went. And he caught catfish after catfish. I caught, NOTHING. Oh, did I mention that I am also a bit competitive? On the last fish he caught, “Sonofabitch … I’m DONE!” We cut the trip short due to my grouchiness and the bugs, which were horrendous. I think the final total was Hubs – 10 fish / Me – none.
I wish we had gone out to dinner instead. 
Chair Massage Wednesday
This morning, I rolled to a seated position on the side of my bed, right before the alarm went off. As I sat there trying to wake up, I became aware that Hubs was awake. He really wanted me to stay home today, as I have worked several days in a row, and he misses me when I am not home.
“If you stay home, I can give you a back massage.” *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*
“Sorry, Hon, but you aren’t qualified.”
And off to the shower I went.
I love Wednesdays at work. One of the perks that the office provides is chair massages. It is something that I really look forward to and opted to go in expressly for that purpose today. It has been a bit of a stress filled week and, after the disgusting dog disaster yesterday, I think I deserve it! That bit of “me time” is highly treasured. 
Things I Love About Me
Despite the feel of a lot of the posts on my blog so far, I do recognize the benefit of focusing on better feeling things. I think that this blog, to start with, has been a place that I could vent about issues that I have kept pent up for a long time. So, you will just have to bear with me while I get it all out of my system. It feels wonderful to be able to voice my issues in a neutral zone.
In my surfing around to find blogs to read, I happened across a challenge of sorts. I love challenges and this one will most definitely get me back on the right track to empowered life I usually have.
We all have aspects about us that we are not fond of. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to focus on the “bad” stuff instead of looking for the good.
Fast forward to today. Today is all about celebrating who we are and what we like about ourselves. It is about sending a message to ourselves, to society, and even to our children, that finding the positives in yourself is an important and essential endeavor. Maybe just maybe, thinking about what we like instead of what we would want to change, will increase our self confidence. Maybe it will help us see things that we have not noticed before. And maybe it will send the message that we are ENOUGH just the way we are.
Courtesy of C.Mom
So here it goes, my list of things I love about me. I challenge you all to do the same because I know you will feel different, in a more positive way, when you are through.
- I love the way I can find the positive in just about every situation, in time
- I love the way I can re-center myself. We all get down sometimes, but I can usually rebound pretty quickly.
- I love the fact that I have finally found my “color” at the salon. I am a proud hair dyer and love my orangey red hair!
- I love my blue eyes. They change to varying shades of blue depending on my mood, the weather, or just because!
- I love the fact that finding joy, in this chaos of the life that we live, is an important part of my life
- I love the way I parent. I do things my own way and my kids are doing pretty well for it.
- I love that I am comfortable in my skin and that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
- I love that we, hubs and I, have created a business that is thriving and helps people achieve their dreams. We are proud of what we do and our customers know it!
- I love that I give everyone the benefit of a doubt and trust until given a reason not to.
- I love that I innately know that I am loved, both here on earth and from the broader perspective, and that I am here, on this earth, to love. My goal is to reach for this loving place each and every day.
So, there you have it. There is so much, in each and every day, to love. My goal is to actively look for what I am wanting to see, instead of the things that take me away from the loving feeling.
A Day In The Life
My day started off on a less that ideal foot. I came downstairs to a not so pleasant smell and discovered the source when I went to let the dogs out of their room. There was puke all over the floor and the blankets. NOT the way I wanted to start my day. I shooed them into the yard and proceeded to clean up the mess and took the blankets up to the washing machine.
Despite the rocky start to the day, the rest of the day turned out pretty well. Until, that is, I actually got back home. Apparently, I didn’t do a thorough enough of a cleaning job. Hubs called me from the kitchen. Upon inspection, it appears that there was even more of a mess, that one of the dogs oh so kindly covered up, as to not offend anyone. Fail. I was more than pissed off, as I am the only one in this house who is capable of dealing with the shit jobs and in this case, that is exactly what it was. The clean up involved a garden hose and a lot of crabbing and door slamming on my part. I HATE being the only one who is capable of dealing with these types of jobs but Hubs has always had a weak stomach, hence I was the chief poopy diaper changer. Forcing him to step up would just end up adding to the mess. I guess it is what it is and I just have to suck it up. I don’t have to like it though and I refuse not to fuss about it!
On a positive note, I figured do something I hadn’t done in quite a while and fully clean the room out. Everything finally smells clean and fresh in the house this evening.
The Sniff Test
Okay, I admit it. I’ve been a remiss mom. Yesterday, I had a bit of a cartoon question mark appear over my head as I asked Hubs when the boys had a shower last. In my defense, they don’t go outside much and it is summer break so… awww heck. There really is no excuse Their bathing habits are not at the top of my priority list when there aren’t teachers and other parents to realize that they aren’t as fresh smelling as growing young boys should be.
I told them that I wanted them both to have showers and that I was going to be a Sniff Test that they had to pass. My youngest has been known, on occassion, to consider stepping in the shower and allowing the water to run over his body a proper shower. Sorry kiddo, soap is a vital part of that equation!
They boys love using Axe as their shower gel of choice, thanks to their Uncle leaving a bottle after he came to visit. Honestly, I kinda like the smell too, so it’s good. Hmmm… well that is at least until it starts attracting all the girls at school. At that point, I reserve the right to re-evaluate my stance on the issue
I didn’t elaborate on what the Sniff Test actually was so they were a bit put out when I made them stand in front of of me an hold out various body parts for me to sniff.
Head – Pass. Definitely could smell the Axe there.
Arm – Fail.
Back – Fail.
Belly – Fail.
I drew the line at butt
I think dad will have to be the warden of the next shower, due to occur some time before school starts again.
Oh The Memories
My life with Hubs has changed quite a bit over the years, as do all relationships. His diagnosis has challenged us both greatly, both on an individual level and as a couple. We will be married 15 years at the end of July and I hope to have many more, gentler, years in the future. I know the thing that will help him is coming, it has to be. We just haven’t found it yet. I have to have faith that better times for both of us are coming.
Recently, he had a medication change which would hopefully help him sleep better. Ever since his depression arrived on the scene, he was plagued with terrible nightmares. Nightmares that would make him afraid to go to sleep, especially when they would occur several nights in a row. The medication seems to have helped him on that front (not perfect but tolerable), but it has a disheartening side effect, from my point of view. He takes it in the evening, before we sit down to relax after the kids are out of the way. I have come to discover that he ends up with short term memory loss. Conversations and shows we watch become very foggy or dissipate totally for him. It saddens me that he can’t remember. It saddens me to know that another part of him is changing and drifting away from me. Nightmares or remembering? The memory thing doesn’t distress him even as remotely as much as the nightmares, so the medication stays.
This evening, he revealed to me that today is the 35th anniversary of his dad’s suicide. My husband was only 16 at the time. He takes full responsibility for what his father did. It doesn’t matter that there was severe dysfunction between his father and mother. It doens’t matter that his dad had his own mental illness demons to deal with. “It’s all my fault” has made him carry the shame, guilt, remorse, and choked down anger every day for the last 35 years. He doesn’t see that he was just a child. JUST A CHILD. It wasn’t his fault. Circumstances beyond his control were at play but he can’t see that. Circumstances that a child should never have to accept blame for.
The “situation” was swept under the rug and never discussed. No one told him it wasn’t his fault. No one helped him deal with the grief of the loss. They were not allowed to do what human beings need to do when something like this happens. Because of the selfishness of those around him, when he was a child, we are forced to deal with the aftermath now.
Why, oh why, couldn’t that medicine target the old harmful memories instead of the new fresh ones? Why can’t it take the pain away and help him forget all that bad stuff? When I posed that question to him, he said that there would be nothing left of him if that happened. So very painfully sad that he feels that all that he is and has are those memories and without them, he would be nothing.
